STAY OR LEAVE? AND I"M NOT TALKING ABOUT IRAQ

I'm a movie addict. I mean, ADDICT. To me, the best days are the rare occasions when i can find the time and dough to sit through three movies. I think that's because my parents hardly let me see anything growing up until the summer I turned 16 and landed a job at a movie theater. That's when my dad finally said, "well i can't stop you now" and i proceeded to gorge on the feast of films at the tail end of that magical decade, the '80s. And I've never looked back.

I can tolerate just about anything, too. My favorite film is "Royal Tenenbaums", but I also appreciate everything from "Lawrence of Arabia" to "Mr. Deeds" (yes, the Sandler one). And so, there is nothing so disappointing and downright distressing to me as when i come across a film so damn bad i have to walk out rather than continue suffering through an abomination, a sacrilege to the shrine i love, the movie theater.

Someone just asked me the other day, have i ever walked out of a film? Why yes, i have, and so I decided to write a little post and share those rare atrocities with you.

Amazingly, two of this very short list of films star my absolute favorite comic, Chris Rock. The first was called "CB4," a movie that came out amid his first taste of fame back in '93 or '94. It was supposed to be a "Spinal Tap" of rap, but instead was just pure crap. SO bad i actively weighed an existentialist quandary: an hour had gone by when i finally couldn't take it anymore, and I finally decided that even with 25 or 30 minutes to go, I needed to escape with what brain cells i had left. I actually felt trapped in the theater and needed to run for the sweet air of freedom outside. I think Chris himself has come to his senses and destroyed all copies of this film.

In fact, it might very well be "CB4" that killed off Rock's career initially, requiring the stunning '96 comeback of the greatest standup concert ever, "Bring the Pain." With newfound success, he promised to make better films, even claiming Woody Allen was his idol and he was out to make that rare breed of film: an intelligent African-American comedy. So he came out with a remake of "Heaven Can Wait," a 1978 Best Picture nomineed by Warren Beatty. Sounded promising, but it was even worse than "CB4."

I can't really catalog what went wrong with this movie, but within minutes of its start - perhaps even seconds - i and my brother who endured it with me could tell that something was way off base on a fundamental level. This was so bad that even though we paid 50 cents to see it (you read right! That was the matinee price at our "dollar theater" back in Little Rock, AR) we wanted to leave. But first we faced another philosophical quandary for the ages: Do we STAY because it only cost 50 cents? Or do we LEAVE because it only cost 50 cents?

Well, we left. And then pondered whether to ask for a refund. Of our 50 cents. We finally decided that that was beyond our Shame Threshold and went home.

Another winner i saw for 50 cents (you can't blame anyone for seeing anything that costs that little) was the big-screen version of "The Beverly Hillbillies." Yes, I saw that. In the theater. But for 50 cents. At least i didn't whore myself out as much as the schmuck pseudo-critic whose comment ran in the film's newspaper ads, stating that Jim Varney (the master thespian who reached greater fame as "Ernest") deserved an Oscar nomination for his dead-on portrayal of Jed Clampett. But I admit this was so bad, i wound up getting some exercise as i kept getting up from my seat to walk out, but not wanting to actually leave the theater and experience a blazing hot and humid Arkansas day. So i would walk out backwards, slowly, hoping SOMETHING would happen on screen that would persuade me to stay. And sure enough, each time - about roughly every 20 minutes - I would find an actual laugh, sit back down and then kick myself for being duped again.

The last film i can remember ditching was Jim Carrey's "Fun with Dick and Jane." Now, i used to love Jim Carrey. Still do in his classics like "Dumb and Dumber,' the first "Ace Ventura," "Liar Liar" and "Bruce Almighty." But, like Rock's "Down to Earth," this one was "off" within moments and continuously grew even worse. It might have been that I was fairly buzzed at the time (long story, but it involved being a drunk Santa at an office party about an hour before), but this film was profoundly annoying and had a staggering 45 minutes of ads and trailers before it began. So when i asked for a refund (yes, i finally grew the stones to ask for one!) the manager tried to deny me, saying I'd been watching for over an hour. I proceeded to make a scene in the lobby, giving out the endings to "The Departed" and other films while warning people not to see "Dick and Jane", before the guy finally handed me back my tenspot.

At last justice was served.

COMMENT BACK: What's the worst movie you've ever seen? Most disappointing? Did you get a refund?