IN ARKANSAS, IT'S DESPERATE. IN L.A., IT'S COOL

Many of you know that I'm from Arkansas. Arkansas is known for two things: Wal-Mart and President Clinton (which by extension means we're also known for ill-advised BJs from interns, but I digress).
You can read about my experience with President Clinton in another blog entry, "Buttering Up the President."
So today, we'll stick to talking about Wal-Mart and discount stores.
Now, first of all, Wal-Marts are HUGE. Everyone knows that I realize, but a comedian named Eddy Strange once made me laugh harder than I ever have at a comic when he said about ten years ago, "I don't know why they call them Wal-Mart, because at some point when you're walking in the store it's so big that you can no longer see any walls." Granted, he said that while flailing his hands around like an epileptic monkey (he WAS, indeed, Strange) so maybe it was funnier then in his delivery.
But i must say, that Wal-Mart is nothing to be proud of. It's got a crappy name, its design is crap and it's products are outright shite. But somehow they've taken over the world because it's more important to get stuff cheap than well-made these days.
But it still has a stigma of being an embarrassing spot to shop among other poor white trash.
Here in L.A., there are no Wal-Marts (thank GOD!!!) except in the outer fringes like Monrovia. Instead, we have the 99 Cents store. To me, those are even worse.
If you go shopping at a 99 Cents store, you have admitted to the world that you are a cheap bastard who has given up on life itself. I find it amazing that people are willing to subject their intestines to off-brand cans of barely identifiable crab meat that look like they fell off a truck back in 1978. But hey, they're 99 cents! Or better yet (NOT!), two for a dollar!
You get the most pathetic DVDs there that even pirating street vendors won't touch, cheap off-brand toothpaste, flies hovering over what little produce there is (mmmmm, if you want lime-green, sour and hard bananas, they've got 'em!) and occasionally a book like the autobiography of say, ZZ Top.
All these goods, in a strange and total rebuke of capitalism, are equally priced at a dollar. More amazingly, I think I'm more likely to blow chunks after trying to read the ZZ Top bio than I am after eating the knock-off brand of chili in a can.
I'm always tempted to ask for a price check and see if the cashiers fall for it. I can't imagine standing there, day after day, saying "One dollar. One dollar. One dollar." Talk about putting your GED to good use.
And yet, in L.A., EVERYONE seems to admit shopping there. They never seem to see the utter shame of stepping foot in a store that sells rejected goods that even slave-labor sweatshops won't own up to making. Instead, it's somehow COOL to buy at these stores, and their front windows are generally shiny and well-stocked, making it seem like you're about to enter a Warhol painting that satirizes American consumer culture rather than a cheapass store.
Finally, I think that 99 Cents stores should be used in LA's transit ad campaigns. When the ads - which are always plastered on buses and therefore trying to make the very very sad riders feel cooler about their situation - say things like "Take Metro to Shop," I think they need to stop showing Paris Hilton clones hopping the bus with gold-lined purses bought on Rodeo Drive.
What they need to show is a closeup of a hand turning purple from its fingers holding 52 bags from the 99 Cents store.
That's my story and i"m sticking to it