Thursday, May 20, 2010


Did you folks hear about the dad who cattle-branded his teenage sons because he wanted to bring his family closer together? Hey, why not try what everyone else does: a nice family game of Monopoly?

Kevin Costner says he can save the Gulf of Mexico oil problem with a machine that can remove oil from water. Now if he'd invent something to remove "Waterworld" from my memory, I'll be happy.

The Gulf of Mexico is getting nasty from all that oil. They just renamed Red Lobster to Black Lobster. And you thought you had to worry about eating peanut oil.

Hey, you know that really gay musical show "Glee"? Fox just announced they're airing a special episode after the Super Bowl next year. So I guess the game won't just be SUPER (SAY IT GAY), but it'll also be FABULOUS! (SAY THAT GAY TOO) And that should be interesting - finally, whether youre a football fan or just really really gay - a party for everyone who likes tight ends.

Nurses at an LA Children's Hospital just got busted for running a hair salon in infant intensive care ward. In their defense, the nurses said "Neglect? Do you KNOW how hard it is to give a baby a weave?! That shit's expensive!"

An Arab-American woman just won MIss USA. The other contestants are protesting. They said how could she win if no one could see her face?

Donald Trump runs the Miss USA pageant, and he said "Fine, she showed no face, but did you see her ankles? Sexy!"

That woman also swept the talent competition with a beautiful rendition of that "Lulululululululululu"

Heard about that movie "The Prince of Persia"? It looks pretty cool but does anyone really wanna pay money to see a guy running around for two hours, going "My Friend!"?

You know what staycations are, folks? THat's when you decide to stay home for your vacation. They say less people are doing that this year. Man, I bet the people in Detroit are happy about that.

A 16 year old Australian girl just became the youngest person ever to sail around the world solo. Australia's president called her a national hero, but her parents were pissed. Yeah, they're grounding her. The girl said "Good luck! I just sailed around the WORLD. Don't think I don't know how to sneak the car down to the mall."


Flyover State of Mind: Hollywood’s Red State Prejudice
by Carl Kozlowski

I grew up in the fairly small city of Little Rock, Arkansas, and from as early as I can remember, I wanted to escape to Los Angeles or New York City and enter the world of showbiz. I watched and read about movies with a passion, viewed David Letterman every night with a mix of jealousy and wonderment (this was ’80s, pre-jaded Letterman), and wrote short stories that I hoped could be turned into movies someday.

Now in my late 30s, I’ve been pursuing those dreams for a long time as an adult. I’ve had some successes but nothing that would make me famous (yet! There’s always a “yet,” right?! Riiiiight). Yet in March, I was able to take back-to-back trips to Hawaii and Alabama that gave me a whole new perspective on showbiz and politics.

I was first flown by Sony Pictures to Hawaii to join several other Christian film journalists on the set of a 2011 film called “Soul Surfer.” (Yes, despite those of you who would like to think I’m a Communist infiltrator to BH because I admitted liking George Clooney’s “Up in the Air,” I am in fact a Catholic Christian who also writes about film for a national Christian magazine.)

Sony’s goal for the trip was to have us take notice of this film, which stars Dennis Quaid, Helen Hunt and “American Idol” champ Carrie Underwood along with rising young actress Anna Sophia Robb in the true story of devoutly Christian surfing champion Bethany Hamilton, who used her faith as the impetus to come back to championship quality after losing her arm in a vicious shark attack in 2003. The four days visiting Hamilton, her family and all the actors except Hunt were relaxing, to be sure, and it was refreshing to see major stars taking on such a profoundly faith-based story for a major studio.

Combine the massive Christian population thirsting for clean, quality entertainment with the excitement of surfing, the tragic-then-triumphant tale of Bethany, exotic locations, and quality actors working from a script by Oscar-winning Ron Bass of “Rainman” fame, and “Soul Surfer” could prove to be “The Blind Side” of 2011. The highlight reel shown to us from mid-production alone proved to be jaw-dropping; this film could really keep the momentum going in showing Hollywood that if you respect Christians, they will respond with by taking their wallets to the theaters.

It escaped my mind that this film was, sadly, still an anomaly amid the great tide of films that don’t respect or represent solid moral values.

Yet, even so I felt a bit awash in the ‘glamour” of Hollywood, of feeling that the cushy on-set atmosphere was “the way” to live, and I couldn’t help thinking that this was the life I wanted so badly to have: on an exotic movie set, with millions of dollars on the line around me. It was already so cool to just be there, meeting the actors, just like I was enthralled regularly back in LA as a film critic and entertainment-profile writer to rub elbows with the biggest stars in the world.

It was when I went to Alabama to see my sister, her husband and their five kids a day after my Hawaiian sojourn, however, that I was reminded that what happens in Hollywood really doesn’t matter in the outside, truly real, world. Ironically, I had missed this year’s Oscar ceremony because it was during my flight to Hawaii. I hadn’t missed one Oscar show since I was 9 or 10 years old and so I was really rattled about it.

When I got to Alabama, however, and told my sister how frustrated I was, she was surprised to hear the Oscars had been on in the first place. As she noted, when you’ve got five kids and your job has nothing to do with Hollywood, you kind of forget to notice those things.

I realized that I was living in a bubble, even though I was on the low end of the ladder out in La La Land. Almost every other entertainment-related friend of mine was caught up in chasing the dream or maintaining it, and had “forgotten” to do such ‘”ordinary” things as having families and buying houses.

As I drifted through six days in the southern Red State of Alabama, I went through withdrawal for a day or from showbiz news and thoughts of box office grosses. I came to realize that it didn’t matter that I’ve met famous actors, directors, writers and comedians. What DID matter were the supposedly average folks who truly make this country run, and who don’t give a damn about the names of actors, instead relating to many of them as “that guy in that sitcom, who does that thing.”

This was still during the amazing box office run of “Avatar,” and I realized that sure, that movie is the highest-grossing film of all time (though I hated it). It’s made well over $700 million in the US alone. But let’s assume that every one who’s seen it has seen it once and that the average price was $11.

Both assumptions are likely way below reality. Yet even so, those assumptions would mean 60 million people had seen it in the U.S. Yes, that’s a staggering 20 percent of our population, but let’s put it in perspective, people. 80 percent have not seen it, and could really give a crap if they ever do.

We think we’re so important in New York and Los Angeles and Chicago, that we regard much of the rest of the nation as “flyover country.” Well, maybe we’d understand how to truly connect and be meaningful to people if we regarded those areas as “fly-INTO country.”

These are people who don’t care if they make it to Hawaii for vacation or work. Instead, we went camping in a state park surrounded by thousands of other RV’s and campers, filled with people who loved just hanging out, barbecuing, fishing, and playing some basketball. They found pleasure and enjoyment just meeting each other, or developing long-held bonds. And on the one night we escaped to a movie theater, we found a second-run dollar house that was still selling out “Blind Side” on a Monday night, 16 weeks after its release.

For years, Democrats have tried to win the presidency with an 18-state Blue State-only strategy – until Barack Obama came along. But as we are only climbing out of the recession now, well more than a year into his presidency, it’s fair to ask what Sarah Palin does at the Tea Party rallies: How’s that hope-y, change-y stuff working out for ya?

Yes, I quote Palin at the risk of mockery from my Left Coast peers. But it is Palin whom the people in the other 32 states, and large pockets of even the 18 Blue ones, relate to. She’s even winning on the Left’s terms and on their turf: The New York Times best seller list. Hollywood wants you to think she still doesn’t matter, but that makes me wonder if THEY’RE even reading the same magazines that Katie Couric pestered her about? Those magazines that are so influential in their world but which only reach a half-million people, if they’re lucky?!

Like it or not, there IS a REAL America out there. They’re in the middle and south of the country, and it’s not fair to spin that idea as one of racial or gender-related animosity or superiority. The people there are of all races anyway, all more concerned with their real families than the false imagery of Hollywood. It’s the fact that as much as I love “American Idol,” it’s allegedly massive audience of 30 million viewers represent only 10 percent of Americans. Again, 90 percent could care less about who wins.

That’s not to say they don’t want to be entertained or uplifted by a movie sometimes. If Hollywood could just take off its collective blinders and try to see the world through the regular people’s eyes, instead of mocking them, they’d be surprised at just how many people will return the favor and pay to be entertained again.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Governor Schwarzenegger has declared No Cussing Week in California. So, I guess that's the end of tonight's show! Just kidding! Fuck that shit!

Dick Cheney just had his fifth heart attack. He's going for his hospital's special: Have 5 heart surgeries, and the sixth one's free!

And gee, who knew Cheney had a heart?

Man, how about that earthquake that destroyed Chile? Now where the hell am i supposed to go for my baby back ribs?

All these earthquakes - it's hard to keep up! Most people just think Chile's a rerun of Haiti.

We already remade "We Are The World" for Haiti - and now Chile's earthquake's even bigger. Where do you go from here? Bring in the aliens from "Avatar" to sing "We Are the Universe"

The Oscars are coming up this weekend. It's exciting - Monique's up for Best Supporting Actress. And her girdle's up for Best Supporting Undergarment.

The Olympics are over. So where do all the curlers go now? Either they'll take their brooms and be the world's slowest janitors, or our nation's beauty salons are about to be overrun with job applicants.

They just announced that San Bernardino will get the next Winter Olympics. Don't be surprised - everyone knows they've got more snow/powder than Vancouver.

John Mayer says sex with Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm. Uh, John, that burning sensation you're now feeling isn't something to brag about. You need Valtrex.

Did you hear a man got pistol whipped at Chuck E. Cheese? Most guys just get diarrhea. (OR most guys just get heartburn).

It's not safe anymore: pistol whippings at Chuck E. Cheese and sharks eating trainers at Sea World. What's next, a killer bee swarm at Knott's Berry Farm? A shuttle explosion at Space Mountain?

Man, how about that tsunami warning at Long Beach? Dudes were out there by the thousands: Surf's up!

The tsunami was so bad even Snoop Dogg was helping out. He was sandbagging with giant bags of weed.

How about that Tiger Woods apology? It was longer than the State of the Union address! I was afraid he was gonna wind up apologizing for the Iraq war and the economy too.

Some strip clubs are offering lapdances for Haiti - talk about a bad idea. Solving one natural disaster by creating another one in my pants.

Did you guys see on Facebook that they have a page to see if a pickle is more popular than Nickleback. Hell, K-Fed is more popular than Nickleback these days. And a steaming pile of turd is more popular than K-Fed.

Charlie Sheen's back in rehab again. I know what you're thinking: For sex, or for drugs? I think even HE"S confused about that these days. If he doesn't watch out, CBS is gonna punish him by renaming his show "2 1/2 Inches."

Dick Cheney's in the hospital 'cause he had a heart attack. Gee, who knew he even had a heart?

Obama's got it rough after his first year in office. There's billboards popping up all over with Bush smiling and asking "Miss me yet?" (PAUSE) Um, no. That's like a drunk uncle asking if he can sleep on the couch after peeing on the Thanksgiving turkey.

There was a big NASCAR race in Fontana last week. Who knew Toyota would have the fastest car there? The winning car wasn't a Porsche - it was a Prius. Hell, it's STILL going out there. Someone saw it roaring past Vegas this morning.

The US beat Canada at hockey. That's like beating Mexico at drinking tequila shots.

The US beat Canada at hockey. That's like beating Germany at beer drinking.

They've already made a movie about the Canadian team's loss. It's called "Cop Out."

The Oscars are coming up, and they say "The Hurt Locker" is the favorite for Best Picture. Not MY favorite. I didn't realize it was an Iraq war movie. I thought it was a documentary about the locker bullies shoved me into in junior high.

That movie "Valentine's Day' is a big hit. It's the story of 19 good looking peopel looking for the perfect partner. We just had National Pancake Day, so i predict the next big movie is "Pancake Day": the story of 19 morbidly obese people searching for the perfect pancake.

What else do the Canadians have after losing at hockey? Their bacon is really ham, and their favorite beer is called Moosehead. I'm not sure I wanna know how they brew that - but i have a feeling it violates a few of our animal protection laws.

Tiger Woods just issued another apology to the parents at his daughter's preschool. He promises not to hit on their girls anymore.

Some of these Olympic games are getting violent - like the rive-by-athlon. Sure you win a medal but you also get five to ten.

What is it with all the tight rides anyway in the Olympics? Bobsled, luge..any closer and they'd be calling it the Lube event

These Winter Olympics are getting scary. A guy died on the luge the first day. Used to be, the worst that would happen was you'd get poked in the butt unexpectedly.

The Winter Olympics are so gay Im getting confused. I thought the curling competition took place in a beauty salon between RuPaul and Dolly Parton.

I dont' know if curling should count as an Olympic sport. It looks like something my janitor does on his normal cleaning routine.

Had a rough Valentine's Day. Got stuck watching 'Tyrannosaurus Sex' on the Discovery Channel. ANd you thought YOU had a hard time fitting into a Magnum?

Had a rough Valentine's Day. Got stuck watching 'Tyrannosaurus Sex' on the discovery channel. And I thought I felt inadequate standing next to a donkey.

See the NBA All-star game this weekend? No defense at all. Even Tiger Woods doesn't score that much.

It just keeps getting worse for Tiger Woods. Rumor is he's about to declare bankruptcy. With all his ho's, Valentine's Day was hella expensive.

Could the winter olympics BE any gayer? Seriously, skip the bidding process among cities from now on and just give them to San Francisco from now on.

Are we SURE the Winter OLympics are actual sports? Seriously, i keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and yell, "YOu've been PUNK"D!!" to the worldwide TV audience.

Great subway ride home tonight: a crackhead told me i could make good money playing the "Family Guy" dad on Hollywood Boulevard.

I always hate the round the clock Olympic coverage. Almost enough to make me wish they'd bring back The Jay Leno Show. Almost...

The Who played the Super Bowl halftime show. They were so old, all I could think was, “the WHY?” And they're so deaf onstage that they kept asking each other, “The WHAT?” It was like Abbott and Costello all over again: Who's on first...

Pete Townshend's known for breaking his guitar. THis time he had to worry about his breaking his hip.

I couldn't tell if Roger Daltrey was singing, or yelling at people to get off his lawn.

They were moving slower than the Colts defense.

They sang “My Generation”. Which one are they talking about? The first time when they sang it at 20, or now when they sang it at 80?

And even more ridiculous was them singing “Teenage Wasteland.” How about something more relevant, like a song about Alzheimers? That'll leave you pretty wasted.

It's gonna be a crazy time in New Orleans these next few weeks. Go from winning the Super Bowl straight into Mardi Gras. That's great for San Bernardino too: they're sending in even more meth for the parties than usual.

How about those Super Bowl ads? The last couple years they've had some ads in 3D. To which I ask, why didn't they have 3D the year Janet Jackson's boobs fell out?! Gimme 3D boobies and I don't care what you're selling – I'm a customer for life!

I do thank God that that Betty White ad wasn't in 3D. I don't want to take any chances with HER rack.

And then there was Abe Vigoda in that ad. Who even knew he was alive? Looking at him, I thought he was starring in the next mummy movie.

Charlie Sheen's wife wants to drop domestic abuse charges against him, but Gary Coleman just got convicted of beating his wife. It's like they say, they've always got to stick it to the little man.

Howard Stern's stirring up controversy because he's saying he might want to take Simon's place on 'American Idol.” What's the big deal? They've already got Ellen over there, and everyone KNOWS Howard loves lesbians.

How about that global warming? 20 inches of snow are hitting the East Coast. Funny how you don't see Al Gore running his mouth off anymore. I guess he's in hibernation/guess he's hibernating.

First Al told us the world was too hot, now he and his people are saying it's too cold. Why don't they just leave us alone and start their own line of Goldilocks Oatmeal: it's too hot, it's too cold, but it'll never be “just right.”

How about the problems with the toyota Prius? Their new slogan is 80 miles per gallon at 800 miles per hour.

It's Valentine's Day – you know what that means. Time to buy a box of 12 Fantasy brand condoms from the 99 cents store. They always put them right next to the home pregnancy tests. I say, if you're relying on the 99 cents store for your birth control needs, skip the condoms and go directly to the pregnancy test. Then again, if you're shopping at the 99 cents store, it's probably a fantasy that you have a sex life in the first place.

Instead of "Christmas," say "Valentines Day" on this joke - about the sex robot: "Now i know what to get Tiger for Valentine's Day!!"

And "Boy, John Edwards just doesn't get it - he said he was making the sex tape as a Valentine's

Obama’s got us over $3 trillion dollars in debt. Suddenly I don’t feel so ashamed about my Visa bill.

Obama’s got us over $3 trillion dollars in debt. Now I think I can tell Visa to fuck off about the $4000 I owe them.

Obama’s declaring war on childhood obesity. This is one war we can win – after all, fat kids are slow and make easy targets.

Kobe Bryant just became the highest-scoring Laker ever. Gee, who knew it was possible to sleep with more women than Wilt Chamberlain?

We just had Groundhog Day. This year, it was Dr. Phil who showed up to see his shadow. Six more weeks of family therapy. OR Six more years of his shitty show.

Toyota’s recalling 8 million cars because the gas pedal sticks and they go too fast. Funny how that’s a problem for Toyota, but it’d be perfect for Nissan’s slogan: Zoom zoom!

Obama wants to end “don’t ask, don’t tell” and let gays serve in the military. Opponents call gays a security risk, but that’s stupid – what group in the history of the world has proven BETTER able to keep a secret?

Didja hear about the new movie "Dear John"? I thought it was a Valentine's chick flick, but it's really a documentary about the John Edwards divorce proceedings.

Did you hear there's a new $7,000, fully operational sex robot now? I finally know what to get Tiger Woods for Christmas!

That $7,000 sex robot will do anything you want, no complaining. Hell, you could get Snooki from The Jersey Shore to do the same thing for $20 and a couple shots of tequila.

A $7,000, fully operational sex robot? Finally, some high technology I can really get behind!

Today was Groundhog Day. Tiger Woods stuck his head out from hiding and saw his shadow. You know what that means: six more weeks of rehab!

Did you hear about that new movie "Cop Out"? Turns out it's not a buddy cop movie - it's the documentary about Obama's first year in office. OR Turns out it's not a buddy cop movie - it's the story of the Democratic health care plan.

Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen teamed up for a new sitcom: Two and a Half Inches. They just announced they're working with John Edwards too: the remake of the Three Stooges.

How about that John Edwards sex tape? he's getting it on with his eight months' pregnant mistress. Finally, a sex tape we'll all pay NOT to see!

Did you hear about the new IPad that's coming out from Apple? What are its special features: that it's extra absorbent and has wings?

Everyone’s pissed at Brett Favre for not winning the playoff game. He’s 40 years old. When I was 40, the only thing I could throw was my back out.

President Obama’s had a rough first year in office. If his poll ratings don’t improve, they’re bringing in Leno.

Octomom’s eight kids just celebrated their first birthday this week. One more kid and she wouldn’t have a womb - she’d have a housing project.

Osama bin Laden has come out with a new tape. If he’s the world’s scariest, richest terrorist, why can’t he send us an MP3? Can’t he have Al-Qaeda steal him an IPod?

Osama hasn’t done anything really scary since 9/11. That’s been over 8 years man! Osama bin Laden? More like Osama Been Lazy.

In all his videos, Bin Laden’s wandering around the mountains carrying a giant stick in his hand. I don’t know if he really looks terrifying, or just looks like Gandalf.

Scott Brown shocked everyone by winning the senate seat in Massachusetts. He also once posed nude for Cosmo – Finally! A politician who gets his sex scandal out of the way BEFORE he takes office!

When Brown offered to give the voters naked honesty, they didn’t realize he’d go THAT far!

That movie “Up in the Air” isn’t doing so hot. It’s a sweet romantic comedy with George Clooney, but people keep thinking it’s a movie about the Undie Bomber.

Mel Gibson’s back with something called “Edge of Darkness.” He spends the whole time beating people up all over Los Angeles. I couldn’t tell if it was an action movie or a reality series.

Boy, people in San Bernardino are really excited about the Super Bowl! Of course, that could just be the meth.

A new study reveals that teenage boys and young adult men lie about how often they have sex. That’s in the new issue of “Duh!” magazine.

What's the Rock doing as "The Tooth Fairy"? Looks like he needs to make a wish - for better scripts. a few seconds ago • Comment •LikeUnlike

Carl Kozlowski Anyone see the commercials for the new "Wolfman" movie yet? They've got Benicio del Toro screaming "I will kill ALL of you!" It really looks like "Scarface" with facial hair.

Carl Kozlowski Tiger Woods is in treatment for sex addiction. Man, even his problems are better than mine.

That show “24” just started up again. Kiefer Sutherland’s getting old – he’s less excited about saving the world than he is about saving 15 percent on his car insurance.

They’re trying a lot of new things on “24” since everyone thinks Kiefer’s getting old. This year, he actually takes a nap. And a crap. That guy’s gone eight seasons without using the toilet once – he’s got bowels of steel!

Things are crazy these days – Tiger Woods is in sex rehab and Arenas got busted for bringing a gun to a basketball game. Remember when rehab was for a knee injury and athletes shot baskets instead of their teammates?

Boy, this NBC late night mess is getting ugly. Jay Leno’s coming back to take over “The Tonight Show.” That’s like coming back to fuck your ex-wife after she’s already got a new husband.

Boy, it’s raining like crazy out there. I got tired of driving halfway over here and swam the rest of the way.

There’s some advantages to all the rain falling. Jesus the bartender washed his beard for the first time in six months.

The rain’s so bad that the bar’s throwing a special tonight: all mudslide drinks come with flood insurance. OR come with house insurance.

It’s raining so much out that when a hooker puts on your rubbers she’s covering your feet.

That rain is like giving the city a shower. Now if it would only work on the guy sitting next to be on the bus over here…

That rain’s making Los Angeles unrecognizable. I can’t even smell the urine on the sidewalks anymore.

See the Golden Globes? Monique won Best Supporting Actress for “Precious.” That movie confused me – I thought it was another “Lord of the Rings” movie, not the story of a 500-pound black girl on welfare.

The founder of Taco Bell just died. He ate 7 layer burritos until he went 6 feet under.

The founder of Taco Bell just died. Imagine his surprise when he learned the Supreme Being isn’t just made out of 89 cents worth of refried beans and sour cream. He’ll be running for the border - of heaven.

The creator of the Quarter Pounder died – though at his final weigh-in, he was more like a quarter ton.

First the Taco Bell guy, then the Quarter Pounder dude died – all I’m saying is Burger King better watch his ass. Who needs a coup to take him out when you’ve got cholesterol?

Pope Benedict met with the woman who tackled him at the Christmas Eve Mass. He figures if she wants to jump his bones, who’s he to stop her?

Charlie Sheen lost his gig selling Hanes underwear. The underwear bomber said "Hey, I'm available."

Charlie Sheen lost his gig selling Hanes underwear. They're hiring the underwear bomber instead. Their new slogan is "I wear Hanes, 'cause it's the bomb."

Charlie lost his gig appearing with Michael Jordan 'cause he beat his wife. He's got a new ad, though: selling Ginsu knives with OJ.

I'm tired of hearing everyone mangle that Muslim bomber's name. Can't we just call him the Undiebomber?

They're coming out with a porn version of "Avatar." I dunno, though - it's just two hours of blue balls. Bet you didn't see that coming!

MTV's come up with a new show for Jay and Conan: "Celebrity Deathmatch."

Mel Gibson's defending Tiger Woods. That's like Pee Wee Herman defending Michael Jackson. That's like Mariah Carey speaking to an Alcoholics Anonymous group. That's like Chris Dodd hosting a financial advice show.

The Obama administration is considering an array of national security measures. The President said "I'm all ears!"

The president said "the buck stops here" on national security. It should. His ears are a personal radar system.

Hear about Gilbert Arenas bringing guns to the locker room? What's everyone worried about? He's only shooting 28 percent!

His coach doesn't mind the guns though. He said "Anything that gets him shooting practice."

Arenas is part of the NBA's new players' program: "If you don't have a gun, we'll give you one."

Mark McGwire admitted he's using steroids. He said, "What's the big deal? I shot steroids, not my teammates."

Tourism is dropping in Jersey - who knew the people were nastier than the water on the Jersey shore?

Did you hear Nicole Richie's new movie? "The Lovely Bones."

There's a new book out saying Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women. And you know there's some skank out there going "Hey, I was 13,001!"

California has just banned trans fats from all restaurants. Now if they'd just ban fat trannies too.

Jennifer Lopez says she apprecaiates the deep, meaningful love Marc Anthony gives her. He says he appreciates her deep, meaningful tush.

It’s getting scary at the airports. You have to show your underwear to everyone. America’s moms have released a statement saying “I told you so.”

Did you hear about the guy who passed out in his car for an hour and the cops found a meth lab in his back seat? Doesn’t the mayor of San Bernardino have anything better to do?

A new book says that Warren Beatty slept with nearly 13,000 women. Even Tiger’s impressed. He gets tired after 18 holes.

ESPN just announced its launching a 3D sports network this summer. I don’t know – if I wanted to get hit in the face with balls for two hours at a time, I’d just go over to West Hollywood.

3D ESPN is scary: You’d REALLY have to ask tiger to keep his pants zipped.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich – that guy with the crazy hair – is going to be on the next “Celebrity Apprentice”. He’ll be competing with Donald Trump in a fight to the death for his barber.

Pee Wee Herman’s coming back with a new stage show. Remember when he got caught whacking off in a porno theater? I say keep him onstage and away from the seat next to me.

That new movie "Avatar" is out. I don't know about it though - why pay $10.50 just to watch two hours of Facebook photos?

Tiger Woods has quit golfing indefinitely. That's a wise decision - he's gotta conserve his energy for the ladies. Besides, where's he got the time?

Tiger's quit golfing for a while, but he's got a new gig - VH1's "Celebrity Sex Rehab."

We're sure far out here in the Inland Empire. Even Santa's saying "Fuck it" this year. No, just kidding. Santa will always come out to San Bernardino. He needs the meth to get around the rest of the planet quick.

Steven Seagal's got that new show "Lawman" out where he claims to be a real-life cop.

a) I know where I'd be moving if I was a criminal. Have you SEEN Seagal lately? Not like he can chase anyone.

b) He's one cop who's eating all the donuts.

c) I'm sweating like Steven Seagal eating donuts.

Seagal's so big now i'm looking at his movies in a whole new way...

d) He's Marked for Death - by his physician!

e) He's not Marked for Death - He's Marked for Diet

f) He's gone from "hard to Kill" to Hard to Breathe.

g) He's gone from "Hard to Kill" to "Hard to Run"

h) He's gone from "Above the Law" to "Above the Scale Limit"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1.

Odds of winning an Academy Awards: 11,500 to 1.

I'm going for the Oscar. Clearly, it's the path of least resistance.

I'm living a nightmare right now. It's called the Winter Olympics.

Imagine hating sports – nearly every single form of them – and yet having to watch them 24 hours a day for 14 days on end.

Al-Qaeda might consider waterboarding a worse form of torture. But not for me – for me, torture is seeing snowboarding, luge riders, curlers, and oh- worst of all! - figure skaters. All playing their hearts out to win medals and endorsement deals.

Why do I hate sports so? Look at me! Do I look like a competitor, a svelte athlete ready to stun the world with my feats of speed and grace?!

No, but I've tried.

I first imagined myself as a sports car driver while riding a tricycle at the age of 4. But as my best friend Joey egged me on with the best Howard Cosell impersonation a 4-year-old could offer, I pedaled too fast to take a turn in my circular parking lot safely and careened on 2 of my 3 wheels into the back of a 1974 Buick, getting my nose stuck in the tiny crevice of space between the bumper and its chrome cover. I fireman had to get me free in front of 50 of my laughing neighborhood peers, and I'm still a legend – for all the wrong reasons – on the streets of the Chicago suburb of Broadview, Illinois.

Cut to 4th grade and playing soccer. Soccer was a game my dad – an immigrant from Poland – could relate to. I, on the other hand, wanted to play baseball. Instead, I was stuck playing fullback each week in YMCA soccer. It was already lame playing Y ball – in fact, I think the Y really referred to saying “Why bother?” They never really pused competition, and no matter how crappy your team was, it got a trophy. How does that prepare you for the non-stop, inevitable asskicking rat race the real-life adult world has to offer? It took me years before I realized you don't get a trophy for screwing up on the job, and that a boss might tell me I'm the weakest link and throw a folder at my head rather than hand me an award the next time I missed a deadline.

And so it went, on and on: my spiral of sports-related shame!

Next came YMCA basketball, where I was so hopeless and my team so pathetic that I remember a Y ref secretly tapping a ball I was chasing back in-bounds to me.

“Don't worry,” he whispered with a smile. “You can shoot it again.”

Sure, he was trying to be nice, but all I could think was, every kid on that court and their parents – not to mention MY parents – had to see the ref help me.

It was like having my dad buy me a presidential election by stacking the Supreme Court and having me declared the winner. No one would ever respect me again – so I let the basketball just sit there anyway.

I had my pride.

Flash forward to baseball – again at the damn Y – and I'm 10 going on 111 with another crappy team on its way to an 0-7 record. EVERY team I played on, from soccer to basketball to baseball, was 0-7. But we still got trophies!

The memories I have from that baseball season are good and bad. I got 1 hit in 11 at-bats, after cowering from fast pitches on my other 10 attempts. That hit was a fast grounder that slipped by a 2nd baseman, but IT WAS GLORIOUS! It ensured that at least one of my lifetime stats didn't have a 0 attached to it.

The other was in my last game, playing right field of course – the no man's land that balls were never hit to and where the lamest players went to die. In my final game, though, a player hit a rocket line drive out to right, and in a completely uncharacteristic – and some say, miraculous – display of ability, I caught that sucker!

I ran in to my team, screaming for joy, highfiving, a hero for cone in my Godforsaken life. And then, as I grabbed a bat, knowing my turn was next and that for once I had the confidence to pound a homer...the ump called “Time!”

Not time out. Time! As in “out of time, game over” - in the one sport devised by mankind that wasn't supposed to have a clock! There was no “time” in baseball! It was supposed to last 9 non-timed innings, period – that was its hidden magic! You never knew WHAT you were getting into with baseball, a 2 hour boredom-inducing low-scorer or an action-paced, seemingly unending 4 hour barnstormer. To this day, that's what I love about baseball – the fact that the game and its details rarely matter as much as the loose vibe of a drunken afternoon in which the universe and everything in it can be discussed, debated and evaluated in 9 glorious innings.

All these memories flood my mind, but the thing that broke my Olympic spirit most was the summer of 1992 – when my brother Lud won the Olympic Triplecast from a morning radio show.

Now, the Olympic Triplecast was designed for those human beings who felt around the clock coverage of the Olympics on just ONE network wasn't enough. Rather, it was THREE satellite networks of Olympic coverage – making sure you didn't miss a damn minute of any sport known to man, from soccer to the shot put.

And my brother reveled in the fact he'd won it, taking over our kitchen TV to watch as much as humanly possible because he couldn't let this alleged $199 “value” go to waste.

While he drove my mom's blood pressure sky high and forced the rest of my family into eating out for nearly every meal of the Olympics' two weeks rather than watch another second, he and I DID bond over one thing: Snickering awkwardly at Greco-Roman wrestling.

Yes, I came running anytime he yelled to tell me it was on. The chance to watch two guys in tights hold each other in place on the floor in a variety of positions that were too close for comfort was a hilarious pasttime when he was 16 and I was 21 and we were too young and dumb to realize we were being homophobic and un-PC.

For my brother was an uncoordinated klutz too. And in those 1992 Summer Olympic games, fueled by Triplecast and too much wrestling, we finallly laughed our athletic frustrations out of our system. We snickered as if were superior even though these wrestlers could have kicked our asses 6 ways to Sunday.

You could point out that I don't NEED to watch the Olympics these days – that rather than just the 5 channels of my youth there's 500 available now.

But I say that some things – even things you hate – are too compelling to turn away from. Like rubbernecking a traffic accident or staring at a transvestite on a subway train, some things in the universe esxert an unbreakable tractor beam on our psyches.

For me, the Olympics are one of those things. I've hated them too long to stop bitching about them now.

Friday, January 29, 2010


"Time" heals all
With “Angel Time,” Anne Rice continues her quest for truths hidden amid eternal mysteries

By Carl Kozlowski

Anne Rice has spent her entire life caught up in a spiritual quest for truth. Yet she has carried on that search in a highly public and creative fashion, creating novels rooted in indelible portraits of evil and lost souls throughout her 11-novel series about the Vampire Lestat before tossing that vastly lucrative path aside to write novels in which Jesus and holy angels are the heroes.

Rice will be signing her latest novel, “Angel Time,” in a free 1 p.m. Saturday event at Vroman’s Bookstore. Following the story of Toby O’Dare, a contract killer assigned to yet another murder who is visited by a mysterious stranger – an angel who offers him a chance to save rather than destroy lives. When he agrees to take that chance, he is whisked back to 13th-Century England, amid an era in which children suddenly die or disappear and accusations of ritual murder have been made against Jews – a dark world in which he is determined to bring light.

“Both vampires and angels challenge the imagination. You have to live up to a classic concept, with angels they’re a creature who’s a messenger of God who comes from Heaven ,” explains Rice. “So you think: ‘what’s he going to sound like when he talks, what’s he going to say?’ It’s exciting to me, to write about angel Malchiah and make him believable to my audience.

“We have to respect what they are. Angels are messengers of God and live in the presence of God, but over and over in Hollywood movies, they’re made into sad figures who want to be on earth instead of Heaven. My angels want to be in Heaven. It’s kind of thrilling and very similar to writing about vampires.”

It’s been a rather unique full-circle journey for Rice, who grew up in a devout Roman Catholic family in New Orleans before questioning her beliefs upon attending college out of state in Texas. Yet Anne didn’t rebel in the conventional sense of those around her in the heyday of hippiedom; she was a few years older than that generation and decided to question things on an intellectual and philosophical level rather than through the use of drugs.

She reached her professional breakthrough in 1976 with the release of her first novel, Interview with the Vampire, a full three years after she finished writing it. Following the illicit deeds of an immortal vampire, the book was an extremely dark exploration of the very questions Rice was harboring in her real life. While writing the remaining ten books in the vampire series, which went on to sell tens of millions of copies worldwide, she also wrote three erotic novels under the pen name of A.N. Roquelaure.

But even as she eventually came to describe herself as an atheist and had great wealth and adulation surrounding her, Rice wasn’t truly happy. In 1998, she started to rediscover her strong faith in the Catholic Church, and by 2004, she announced that she would no longer write about vampires. Instead, she was devoting herself to “what the Lord wanted” in her writing.

“The answer to why I switched is my personal conversion. I didn’t really have the same worldview after that conversion,” Rice explained in an exclusive interview from her home in Rancho Mirage. “I didn’t have any more tales to tell with Lestat because I now saw the world through different eyes and the vampires didn’t make a connection for me.

“Vampires were people groping for faith, living through darkness, and I personally found the change those characters were looking for,” Rice adds. “I came to the end of my quest. The last two [Lestat books] reflected the split in me and were written after I’d been writing in faith.”

Rice’s shift away from faith was one that is common on the nation’s college campuses, even though she now feels it was “tragic” for her life. For despite her vast wealth and a happy 41-year marriage to Stan Rice, a lifelong atheist who died in 2002, she wishes she had never walked away from her beloved mother church.

“I went through a crisis at 18. I was at a secular college campus in Texas, away from my Catholic roots and had a whole host of new influences,” recalls Rice. “I rejected the faith of my childhood as too limited. I wanted to learn what the modern world was about. I ended up styling myself as an atheist, but was really agnostic. As Catholics we encounter a whole lot of new information, and we don’t know how to incorporate that into our faith.”

Rice particularly recalls her first readings of existentialist writers like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus as leading her astray, but with the wisdom of time now says “it isn’t necessary to leave your church in order to read Sartre or Camus, but when I was 18 it didn’t seem that way and that I had to leave and seek knowledge a different way. It was a tragedy.”

Rice ultimately decided to return to the Catholic Church but also came back with a strong sense that she was supposed to write about Jesus Christ now and devote all her future work to Him. She feels that even her vampire novels were reflections of the search for the great truths of existence, just from the dark flipside of the path she walks now.

“There was not a specific incident that sparked my return to the church. I’d been thinking a long time and one day I made decision to go back, and realized I didn’t need answers to all the sociological questions I had,” explains Rice. “God had the answers for what was the meaning of the Holocaust or why was there a Second World War? – and that was enough. That burden was not for us. It was a release to let it go but it was also intellectual. Americans tend to believe in that story that you turn towards or against faith due to tragic loss, but that never happened for me. They’re always casting my story in those terms but it didn’t fit.”

Ultimately, Rice has been pleased that some of her old fans have followed her new direction and tries not to concern herself too much with those who haven’t been as kind about it. She drew particular ire from some fans on for her Christ-centered novel Blood Canticle, and wound up attempting to defend herself in writing – only to find Amazon pull her response down without explanation.

“I don’t disavow my past books at all. I have communication with my followers everyday, and love their feedback and comments,” says Rice. “I hear a lot from fans who are curious and searching for faith. I get a lot of emails about my conversion – how did you do it, what do you believe in? I spoke at a synagogue about “Christ the Lord” outside of Birmingham, and people asked how did faith get back to you? Sometimes it’s hard to express how complicated it is.”