NEWS JOKES FOR THE WEEK OF 5/17

Did you folks hear about the dad who cattle-branded his teenage sons because he wanted to bring his family closer together? Hey, why not try what everyone else does: a nice family game of Monopoly?

Kevin Costner says he can save the Gulf of Mexico oil problem with a machine that can remove oil from water. Now if he'd invent something to remove "Waterworld" from my memory, I'll be happy.



The Gulf of Mexico is getting nasty from all that oil. They just renamed Red Lobster to Black Lobster. And you thought you had to worry about eating peanut oil.



Hey, you know that really gay musical show "Glee"? Fox just announced they're airing a special episode after the Super Bowl next year. So I guess the game won't just be SUPER (SAY IT GAY), but it'll also be FABULOUS! (SAY THAT GAY TOO) And that should be interesting - finally, whether youre a football fan or just really really gay - a party for everyone who likes tight ends.



Nurses at an LA Children's Hospital just got busted for running a hair salon in infant intensive care ward. In their defense, the nurses said "Neglect? Do you KNOW how hard it is to give a baby a weave?! That shit's expensive!"



An Arab-American woman just won MIss USA. The other contestants are protesting. They said how could she win if no one could see her face?



Donald Trump runs the Miss USA pageant, and he said "Fine, she showed no face, but did you see her ankles? Sexy!"



That woman also swept the talent competition with a beautiful rendition of that "Lulululululululululu"



Heard about that movie "The Prince of Persia"? It looks pretty cool but does anyone really wanna pay money to see a guy running around for two hours, going "My Friend!"?


You know what staycations are, folks? THat's when you decide to stay home for your vacation. They say less people are doing that this year. Man, I bet the people in Detroit are happy about that.



A 16 year old Australian girl just became the youngest person ever to sail around the world solo. Australia's president called her a national hero, but her parents were pissed. Yeah, they're grounding her. The girl said "Good luck! I just sailed around the WORLD. Don't think I don't know how to sneak the car down to the mall."