TONS OF NEWS JOKES - HAVE SOME LAUGHS ON ME!

Governor Schwarzenegger has declared No Cussing Week in California. So, I guess that's the end of tonight's show! Just kidding! Fuck that shit!




Dick Cheney just had his fifth heart attack. He's going for his hospital's special: Have 5 heart surgeries, and the sixth one's free!



And gee, who knew Cheney had a heart?



Man, how about that earthquake that destroyed Chile? Now where the hell am i supposed to go for my baby back ribs?



All these earthquakes - it's hard to keep up! Most people just think Chile's a rerun of Haiti.



We already remade "We Are The World" for Haiti - and now Chile's earthquake's even bigger. Where do you go from here? Bring in the aliens from "Avatar" to sing "We Are the Universe"



The Oscars are coming up this weekend. It's exciting - Monique's up for Best Supporting Actress. And her girdle's up for Best Supporting Undergarment.



The Olympics are over. So where do all the curlers go now? Either they'll take their brooms and be the world's slowest janitors, or our nation's beauty salons are about to be overrun with job applicants.



They just announced that San Bernardino will get the next Winter Olympics. Don't be surprised - everyone knows they've got more snow/powder than Vancouver.



John Mayer says sex with Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm. Uh, John, that burning sensation you're now feeling isn't something to brag about. You need Valtrex.



Did you hear a man got pistol whipped at Chuck E. Cheese? Most guys just get diarrhea. (OR most guys just get heartburn).



It's not safe anymore: pistol whippings at Chuck E. Cheese and sharks eating trainers at Sea World. What's next, a killer bee swarm at Knott's Berry Farm? A shuttle explosion at Space Mountain?



Man, how about that tsunami warning at Long Beach? Dudes were out there by the thousands: Surf's up!



The tsunami was so bad even Snoop Dogg was helping out. He was sandbagging with giant bags of weed.



How about that Tiger Woods apology? It was longer than the State of the Union address! I was afraid he was gonna wind up apologizing for the Iraq war and the economy too.



Some strip clubs are offering lapdances for Haiti - talk about a bad idea. Solving one natural disaster by creating another one in my pants.



Did you guys see on Facebook that they have a page to see if a pickle is more popular than Nickleback. Hell, K-Fed is more popular than Nickleback these days. And a steaming pile of turd is more popular than K-Fed.



Charlie Sheen's back in rehab again. I know what you're thinking: For sex, or for drugs? I think even HE"S confused about that these days. If he doesn't watch out, CBS is gonna punish him by renaming his show "2 1/2 Inches."



Dick Cheney's in the hospital 'cause he had a heart attack. Gee, who knew he even had a heart?



Obama's got it rough after his first year in office. There's billboards popping up all over with Bush smiling and asking "Miss me yet?" (PAUSE) Um, no. That's like a drunk uncle asking if he can sleep on the couch after peeing on the Thanksgiving turkey.



There was a big NASCAR race in Fontana last week. Who knew Toyota would have the fastest car there? The winning car wasn't a Porsche - it was a Prius. Hell, it's STILL going out there. Someone saw it roaring past Vegas this morning.



The US beat Canada at hockey. That's like beating Mexico at drinking tequila shots.



The US beat Canada at hockey. That's like beating Germany at beer drinking.



They've already made a movie about the Canadian team's loss. It's called "Cop Out."



The Oscars are coming up, and they say "The Hurt Locker" is the favorite for Best Picture. Not MY favorite. I didn't realize it was an Iraq war movie. I thought it was a documentary about the locker bullies shoved me into in junior high.



That movie "Valentine's Day' is a big hit. It's the story of 19 good looking peopel looking for the perfect partner. We just had National Pancake Day, so i predict the next big movie is "Pancake Day": the story of 19 morbidly obese people searching for the perfect pancake.



What else do the Canadians have after losing at hockey? Their bacon is really ham, and their favorite beer is called Moosehead. I'm not sure I wanna know how they brew that - but i have a feeling it violates a few of our animal protection laws.



Tiger Woods just issued another apology to the parents at his daughter's preschool. He promises not to hit on their girls anymore.



Some of these Olympic games are getting violent - like the rive-by-athlon. Sure you win a medal but you also get five to ten.



What is it with all the tight rides anyway in the Olympics? Bobsled, luge..any closer and they'd be calling it the Lube event



These Winter Olympics are getting scary. A guy died on the luge the first day. Used to be, the worst that would happen was you'd get poked in the butt unexpectedly.

The Winter Olympics are so gay Im getting confused. I thought the curling competition took place in a beauty salon between RuPaul and Dolly Parton.

I dont' know if curling should count as an Olympic sport. It looks like something my janitor does on his normal cleaning routine.

Had a rough Valentine's Day. Got stuck watching 'Tyrannosaurus Sex' on the Discovery Channel. ANd you thought YOU had a hard time fitting into a Magnum?

Had a rough Valentine's Day. Got stuck watching 'Tyrannosaurus Sex' on the discovery channel. And I thought I felt inadequate standing next to a donkey.

See the NBA All-star game this weekend? No defense at all. Even Tiger Woods doesn't score that much.

It just keeps getting worse for Tiger Woods. Rumor is he's about to declare bankruptcy. With all his ho's, Valentine's Day was hella expensive.

Could the winter olympics BE any gayer? Seriously, skip the bidding process among cities from now on and just give them to San Francisco from now on.

Are we SURE the Winter OLympics are actual sports? Seriously, i keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and yell, "YOu've been PUNK"D!!" to the worldwide TV audience.

Great subway ride home tonight: a crackhead told me i could make good money playing the "Family Guy" dad on Hollywood Boulevard.

I always hate the round the clock Olympic coverage. Almost enough to make me wish they'd bring back The Jay Leno Show. Almost...



The Who played the Super Bowl halftime show. They were so old, all I could think was, “the WHY?” And they're so deaf onstage that they kept asking each other, “The WHAT?” It was like Abbott and Costello all over again: Who's on first...







Pete Townshend's known for breaking his guitar. THis time he had to worry about his breaking his hip.



I couldn't tell if Roger Daltrey was singing, or yelling at people to get off his lawn.



They were moving slower than the Colts defense.



They sang “My Generation”. Which one are they talking about? The first time when they sang it at 20, or now when they sang it at 80?



And even more ridiculous was them singing “Teenage Wasteland.” How about something more relevant, like a song about Alzheimers? That'll leave you pretty wasted.



It's gonna be a crazy time in New Orleans these next few weeks. Go from winning the Super Bowl straight into Mardi Gras. That's great for San Bernardino too: they're sending in even more meth for the parties than usual.



How about those Super Bowl ads? The last couple years they've had some ads in 3D. To which I ask, why didn't they have 3D the year Janet Jackson's boobs fell out?! Gimme 3D boobies and I don't care what you're selling – I'm a customer for life!



I do thank God that that Betty White ad wasn't in 3D. I don't want to take any chances with HER rack.



And then there was Abe Vigoda in that ad. Who even knew he was alive? Looking at him, I thought he was starring in the next mummy movie.



Charlie Sheen's wife wants to drop domestic abuse charges against him, but Gary Coleman just got convicted of beating his wife. It's like they say, they've always got to stick it to the little man.



Howard Stern's stirring up controversy because he's saying he might want to take Simon's place on 'American Idol.” What's the big deal? They've already got Ellen over there, and everyone KNOWS Howard loves lesbians.



How about that global warming? 20 inches of snow are hitting the East Coast. Funny how you don't see Al Gore running his mouth off anymore. I guess he's in hibernation/guess he's hibernating.



First Al told us the world was too hot, now he and his people are saying it's too cold. Why don't they just leave us alone and start their own line of Goldilocks Oatmeal: it's too hot, it's too cold, but it'll never be “just right.”



How about the problems with the toyota Prius? Their new slogan is 80 miles per gallon at 800 miles per hour.



It's Valentine's Day – you know what that means. Time to buy a box of 12 Fantasy brand condoms from the 99 cents store. They always put them right next to the home pregnancy tests. I say, if you're relying on the 99 cents store for your birth control needs, skip the condoms and go directly to the pregnancy test. Then again, if you're shopping at the 99 cents store, it's probably a fantasy that you have a sex life in the first place.



Instead of "Christmas," say "Valentines Day" on this joke - about the sex robot: "Now i know what to get Tiger for Valentine's Day!!"



And "Boy, John Edwards just doesn't get it - he said he was making the sex tape as a Valentine's

Obama’s got us over $3 trillion dollars in debt. Suddenly I don’t feel so ashamed about my Visa bill.



Obama’s got us over $3 trillion dollars in debt. Now I think I can tell Visa to fuck off about the $4000 I owe them.



Obama’s declaring war on childhood obesity. This is one war we can win – after all, fat kids are slow and make easy targets.



Kobe Bryant just became the highest-scoring Laker ever. Gee, who knew it was possible to sleep with more women than Wilt Chamberlain?



We just had Groundhog Day. This year, it was Dr. Phil who showed up to see his shadow. Six more weeks of family therapy. OR Six more years of his shitty show.



Toyota’s recalling 8 million cars because the gas pedal sticks and they go too fast. Funny how that’s a problem for Toyota, but it’d be perfect for Nissan’s slogan: Zoom zoom!



Obama wants to end “don’t ask, don’t tell” and let gays serve in the military. Opponents call gays a security risk, but that’s stupid – what group in the history of the world has proven BETTER able to keep a secret?



Didja hear about the new movie "Dear John"? I thought it was a Valentine's chick flick, but it's really a documentary about the John Edwards divorce proceedings.



Did you hear there's a new $7,000, fully operational sex robot now? I finally know what to get Tiger Woods for Christmas!



That $7,000 sex robot will do anything you want, no complaining. Hell, you could get Snooki from The Jersey Shore to do the same thing for $20 and a couple shots of tequila.



A $7,000, fully operational sex robot? Finally, some high technology I can really get behind!



Today was Groundhog Day. Tiger Woods stuck his head out from hiding and saw his shadow. You know what that means: six more weeks of rehab!



Did you hear about that new movie "Cop Out"? Turns out it's not a buddy cop movie - it's the documentary about Obama's first year in office. OR Turns out it's not a buddy cop movie - it's the story of the Democratic health care plan.



Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen teamed up for a new sitcom: Two and a Half Inches. They just announced they're working with John Edwards too: the remake of the Three Stooges.



How about that John Edwards sex tape? he's getting it on with his eight months' pregnant mistress. Finally, a sex tape we'll all pay NOT to see!



Did you hear about the new IPad that's coming out from Apple? What are its special features: that it's extra absorbent and has wings?



Everyone’s pissed at Brett Favre for not winning the playoff game. He’s 40 years old. When I was 40, the only thing I could throw was my back out.





President Obama’s had a rough first year in office. If his poll ratings don’t improve, they’re bringing in Leno.



Octomom’s eight kids just celebrated their first birthday this week. One more kid and she wouldn’t have a womb - she’d have a housing project.



Osama bin Laden has come out with a new tape. If he’s the world’s scariest, richest terrorist, why can’t he send us an MP3? Can’t he have Al-Qaeda steal him an IPod?



Osama hasn’t done anything really scary since 9/11. That’s been over 8 years man! Osama bin Laden? More like Osama Been Lazy.



In all his videos, Bin Laden’s wandering around the mountains carrying a giant stick in his hand. I don’t know if he really looks terrifying, or just looks like Gandalf.



Scott Brown shocked everyone by winning the senate seat in Massachusetts. He also once posed nude for Cosmo – Finally! A politician who gets his sex scandal out of the way BEFORE he takes office!



When Brown offered to give the voters naked honesty, they didn’t realize he’d go THAT far!



That movie “Up in the Air” isn’t doing so hot. It’s a sweet romantic comedy with George Clooney, but people keep thinking it’s a movie about the Undie Bomber.



Mel Gibson’s back with something called “Edge of Darkness.” He spends the whole time beating people up all over Los Angeles. I couldn’t tell if it was an action movie or a reality series.



Boy, people in San Bernardino are really excited about the Super Bowl! Of course, that could just be the meth.



A new study reveals that teenage boys and young adult men lie about how often they have sex. That’s in the new issue of “Duh!” magazine.



What's the Rock doing as "The Tooth Fairy"? Looks like he needs to make a wish - for better scripts. a few seconds ago • Comment •LikeUnlike

Carl Kozlowski Anyone see the commercials for the new "Wolfman" movie yet? They've got Benicio del Toro screaming "I will kill ALL of you!" It really looks like "Scarface" with facial hair.

Carl Kozlowski Tiger Woods is in treatment for sex addiction. Man, even his problems are better than mine.

That show “24” just started up again. Kiefer Sutherland’s getting old – he’s less excited about saving the world than he is about saving 15 percent on his car insurance.



They’re trying a lot of new things on “24” since everyone thinks Kiefer’s getting old. This year, he actually takes a nap. And a crap. That guy’s gone eight seasons without using the toilet once – he’s got bowels of steel!



Things are crazy these days – Tiger Woods is in sex rehab and Arenas got busted for bringing a gun to a basketball game. Remember when rehab was for a knee injury and athletes shot baskets instead of their teammates?



Boy, this NBC late night mess is getting ugly. Jay Leno’s coming back to take over “The Tonight Show.” That’s like coming back to fuck your ex-wife after she’s already got a new husband.



Boy, it’s raining like crazy out there. I got tired of driving halfway over here and swam the rest of the way.



There’s some advantages to all the rain falling. Jesus the bartender washed his beard for the first time in six months.



The rain’s so bad that the bar’s throwing a special tonight: all mudslide drinks come with flood insurance. OR come with house insurance.



It’s raining so much out that when a hooker puts on your rubbers she’s covering your feet.



That rain is like giving the city a shower. Now if it would only work on the guy sitting next to be on the bus over here…



That rain’s making Los Angeles unrecognizable. I can’t even smell the urine on the sidewalks anymore.



See the Golden Globes? Monique won Best Supporting Actress for “Precious.” That movie confused me – I thought it was another “Lord of the Rings” movie, not the story of a 500-pound black girl on welfare.



The founder of Taco Bell just died. He ate 7 layer burritos until he went 6 feet under.



The founder of Taco Bell just died. Imagine his surprise when he learned the Supreme Being isn’t just made out of 89 cents worth of refried beans and sour cream. He’ll be running for the border - of heaven.



The creator of the Quarter Pounder died – though at his final weigh-in, he was more like a quarter ton.



First the Taco Bell guy, then the Quarter Pounder dude died – all I’m saying is Burger King better watch his ass. Who needs a coup to take him out when you’ve got cholesterol?



Pope Benedict met with the woman who tackled him at the Christmas Eve Mass. He figures if she wants to jump his bones, who’s he to stop her?



Charlie Sheen lost his gig selling Hanes underwear. The underwear bomber said "Hey, I'm available."

Charlie Sheen lost his gig selling Hanes underwear. They're hiring the underwear bomber instead. Their new slogan is "I wear Hanes, 'cause it's the bomb."



Charlie lost his gig appearing with Michael Jordan 'cause he beat his wife. He's got a new ad, though: selling Ginsu knives with OJ.



I'm tired of hearing everyone mangle that Muslim bomber's name. Can't we just call him the Undiebomber?



They're coming out with a porn version of "Avatar." I dunno, though - it's just two hours of blue balls. Bet you didn't see that coming!



MTV's come up with a new show for Jay and Conan: "Celebrity Deathmatch."



Mel Gibson's defending Tiger Woods. That's like Pee Wee Herman defending Michael Jackson. That's like Mariah Carey speaking to an Alcoholics Anonymous group. That's like Chris Dodd hosting a financial advice show.



The Obama administration is considering an array of national security measures. The President said "I'm all ears!"



The president said "the buck stops here" on national security. It should. His ears are a personal radar system.



Hear about Gilbert Arenas bringing guns to the locker room? What's everyone worried about? He's only shooting 28 percent!



His coach doesn't mind the guns though. He said "Anything that gets him shooting practice."



Arenas is part of the NBA's new players' program: "If you don't have a gun, we'll give you one."



Mark McGwire admitted he's using steroids. He said, "What's the big deal? I shot steroids, not my teammates."



Tourism is dropping in Jersey - who knew the people were nastier than the water on the Jersey shore?



Did you hear Nicole Richie's new movie? "The Lovely Bones."



There's a new book out saying Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women. And you know there's some skank out there going "Hey, I was 13,001!"



California has just banned trans fats from all restaurants. Now if they'd just ban fat trannies too.



Jennifer Lopez says she apprecaiates the deep, meaningful love Marc Anthony gives her. He says he appreciates her deep, meaningful tush.



It’s getting scary at the airports. You have to show your underwear to everyone. America’s moms have released a statement saying “I told you so.”



Did you hear about the guy who passed out in his car for an hour and the cops found a meth lab in his back seat? Doesn’t the mayor of San Bernardino have anything better to do?



A new book says that Warren Beatty slept with nearly 13,000 women. Even Tiger’s impressed. He gets tired after 18 holes.



ESPN just announced its launching a 3D sports network this summer. I don’t know – if I wanted to get hit in the face with balls for two hours at a time, I’d just go over to West Hollywood.



3D ESPN is scary: You’d REALLY have to ask tiger to keep his pants zipped.



Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich – that guy with the crazy hair – is going to be on the next “Celebrity Apprentice”. He’ll be competing with Donald Trump in a fight to the death for his barber.



Pee Wee Herman’s coming back with a new stage show. Remember when he got caught whacking off in a porno theater? I say keep him onstage and away from the seat next to me.



That new movie "Avatar" is out. I don't know about it though - why pay $10.50 just to watch two hours of Facebook photos?



Tiger Woods has quit golfing indefinitely. That's a wise decision - he's gotta conserve his energy for the ladies. Besides, where's he got the time?



Tiger's quit golfing for a while, but he's got a new gig - VH1's "Celebrity Sex Rehab."



We're sure far out here in the Inland Empire. Even Santa's saying "Fuck it" this year. No, just kidding. Santa will always come out to San Bernardino. He needs the meth to get around the rest of the planet quick.



Steven Seagal's got that new show "Lawman" out where he claims to be a real-life cop.

a) I know where I'd be moving if I was a criminal. Have you SEEN Seagal lately? Not like he can chase anyone.

b) He's one cop who's eating all the donuts.

c) I'm sweating like Steven Seagal eating donuts.

Seagal's so big now i'm looking at his movies in a whole new way...

d) He's Marked for Death - by his physician!

e) He's not Marked for Death - He's Marked for Diet

f) He's gone from "hard to Kill" to Hard to Breathe.

g) He's gone from "Hard to Kill" to "Hard to Run"

h) He's gone from "Above the Law" to "Above the Scale Limit"