HEAD FOR THE BORDER!!!

America's always got a bad case of Do as I say, not as I do, but this time we mean it. Mexico decided to end 70 years of single-party dictatorship a few years ago by electing Vicente Fox as their president. Good choice. Hes a strong fellow, trim mustache, bitchin cowboy boots, and he didnt seem like another Pancho Villa.

But give any country, no matter how noble its intentions, enough time and theyll f*** things up just as badly as we can. It took us 224 years to have a sham election, and then just to show how stupid we are, we repeated the mistake four years later. But it took Mexico just six years of its newfound democracy to screw things up as royally as we have: Razor-thin voting margins, protests from both sides, and a seven-member court deciding who won.

Now I realize that theres been a fairly lopsided cultural exchange over the centuries between us and our neighbors to the South. We tricked them out of California and Texas, debased their cuisine by starting Taco Bell, and tried to make stars out of Antonio Banderas and Jimmy Smits. In exchange, they get felony status for crossing into the U.S., have a wall about to be built along their borders, and are tricked into thinking that Knight Rider is the greatest television show ever watch their ratings, youll see what I say is true.

But for the love of all that is holy, dont copy our elections! Its getting to the point where Jimmy Carter is going to have to monitor his own nation. We started out as a noble people with great ideas, but then we invented television, came up with nine seasons of Full House and 16 years of Americas Funniest Home Videos, and allowed a guy who barely passed college to pass through the gates of the White House. Now were all were good for is Netflix and maybe making pizzas. Those are high achievements to be sure, but they pale in comparison to those of our founding fathers.

So, Mexico, were with you as you pass through these days of crisis. But pick a good leader, because were not sure we can make it through two more years of Bush. And we just might be heading South for a permanent vacation.