NEWS JOKES

These are some of my oldies but goodies, i'm getting ready to get back into making these regularly but just thought may as well share and people can remember the events anyway...

NEWS JOKES
By CARL KOZLOWSKI

(OSAMA BIN LADEN TAPE): a) Osama bin Laden released a new videotape recently. Is anyone even scared of this guy anymore? He’s always seen walking through the mountains in those robes with a big stick. He’s not a terrorist – he’s Gandalf.
b) And I love the latest photos of him with the little white shawl over his head. He looks like Mother Teresa with a beard.
c) Osama’s supposed to be the world’s best-funded terrorist. So isn’t it time he upgrades to DVDs?
d) It’s been five years since Osama did anything to us. Osama bin Laden? More like Osama Been Lazy.
e) He also says he wants a truce. Yeah, he’s been in that cave so long, he’s offered to knock it off if we just hook him up with the Playboy Channel.

(JAKE GYLLENHAAL’S CAREER) Jake Gyllenhaal just played a soldier in “Jarhead,” and now he’s a gay cowboy in “Brokeback Mountain.” His next movie, he plays a cop. He just needs to play an American Indian and a construction worker, and he’ll officially be the Gayest Actor Ever.

(TOILET BIRTH) a) A woman just gave birth while on a toilet, while claiming she had no idea she was pregnant. I’ve heard of dropping the kids off at the pool, but this is ridiculous.
b) Now I’m just waiting for that ExLax endorsement she so richly deserves.
c) She said she didn’t think she was pregnant because her doctor told her she couldn’t. I have a feeling her boyfriend told her the same thing.

(BABY JESSICA MARRIES) The woman who was once known as Baby Jessica just got married. She should be well prepared for marriage….considering she’s already spent plenty of time trapped in a dark hole of despair.

(GEORGIA SEGREGATION) Georgia’s governor has signed legislation repealing 1950s-era laws designed to keep the state’s public schools segregated, saying their existence tarnished Georgia’s reputation. Next up for Georgia: freeing the slaves!

(LYNNDIE ENGLAND TRIAL) Attorneys for Abu Ghraib torture queen Lynndie England have sought leniency in her sentencing, claiming that she was oxygen-deprived at birth, speech-impaired and had trouble learning to read. However, the judge in the case disregarded the request, noting that those conditions are merely the standard requirements for enlisting in the Army.

(AL QAEDA SURVEILLANCE TAPES) The CIA admitted they have a backlog of 120,000 hours of Al Qaeda surveillance tapes still remaining to be analyzed. However, they have vowed to catch up next Tuesday, in what is sure to be the most bitchin’ overnight study session ever.

(WORLD’S LARGEST JETLINER) The world’s largest jetliner, the Airbus 380, successfully completed its first full flight, taking more than 800 people into the European skies. Sounds nice, but in keeping with bus tradition, the flight offered surly service, a passenger list filled with nutjobs and parolees, and stopped at roadside McDonalds every two hours.

(BUSH VS. NORTH KOREA) President Bush and North Korean leaders exchanged a stinging array of harsh words and insults last week, with Bush calling Kim Jong Il a ‘tyrant’ and Jong Il responding that Bush was a ‘philistine’ and a ‘hooligan.’ Tensions worsened throughout the day as Bush called Jong Il ‘fartface’ and Jong Il responded with charges that Bush eats his own snot.

(RUSSIAN TERRORIST ATTACKS) Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the recent terrorist attacks in his country by reorganizing the government with movies that will greatly limit citizens’ freedoms and potentially rig future elections in his favor. Human rights groups the world over called it a dangerous return to Communism, while President Bush just called him a “copycat.”

(VOTE OR DIE CAMPAIGN) Christina Aguilera has been announced as a spokeswoman for P. Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign. P. Diddy won her services over the promoters of the Cover Your Ass Or Catch Chlamydia, Girlfriend! campaign.

(ARETHA FRANKLIN TOUR) Legendary soul singer Aretha Franklin is headed for the West Coast, sparking fears among resident that they will finally experience the damage suffered by hurricane victims in Florida. Franklin refuses to fly, citing safety concerns, and in a statement the FAA said the fear of flying Aretha was shared by the airline industry due to federal cargo weight limitations. (PAUSE) I know that’s wrong. She’s an enormous talent, ladies and gentlemen.

(SEVEN HOUR INTERVIEW) Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak engaged in a staggering seven-hour interview with an Egyptian TV reporter last week. The world wondered how this was accomplished, until it was revealed that the broadcast was sponsored by Depends.

(EVOLUTION IN SCHOOLS) The Kansas Board of Education is holding a series of hearings on whether to continue the teaching of evolution in its public schools.
First, Kentucky, and now Kansas. Why is it that the states that attack evolution re the ones least likely to have experienced it?

(WAR ON CHILDHOOD OBESITY) This week, American scientists announced the need for a war on childhood obesity. In response, President Bush declared war on America’s fat kids, saying “They make a big target, and they’re easy to catch up to.”

(MADONNA’S ISRAEL KABBALAH TRIP) In insane-diva news, Madonna took a trip to Israel to show off her devotion to Kabbalah. While there, she refused to throw pieces of bread in the ocean to rid herself of her sins. When asked why she didn’t participate in the ritual, Madonna replied, “There isn’t enough yeast in the world to atone for what I’ve done,” but critics replied she should just do what comes naturally and air out her crotch.

(DAN RATHER/”60 MINUTES” SCANDAL) Dan Rather has been barred from participating as a moderator in 2004’s presidential debates. Debate officials justified the decision by noting that there’s an onstage limit of two liars at any one time.

(RUNAWAY BRIDE) Runaway bride Jennifer “Crazy Eyes” Wilbanks has already landed a book deal. She’ll be writing “She’s Just Not That Into You.” She’s also signed a deal with Southwest Airlines as the spokeswoman for its “Gotta Get Away” ad campaign.

(OSAMA’S BROTHER’S FASHION LINE): One of Osama Bin Laden’s 52 siblings had the copyright rejected for his Bin Laden line of clothing, because it would upset the world’s citizens in this time of terror. Reached for comment, Bin Laden said, “That’s really a shame, because these were fashions to die for.” His proposed slogan for the clothing line was, “Bin Laden clothing: Because when you’re ready to meet Allah, meet Allah in style.”

(SOCIAL SECURITY) We don’t understand the Social Security plan and we don’t believe the President does either. However, the plan offered a sliver of hope, as it marked the first time President Bush has ever used the word “progressive” in a sentence.

(MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL) While uncertainty remains in the continuing Michael Jackson molestation trial, prosecutors have disclosed that his debt grows by up to $30 million a year - proving that the one thing he’s definitely screwed are his creditors.

(POPE JOHN PAUL II FUNERAL) Pope John Paul II had his funeral last Friday morning, drawing an audience estimated at over 100 million worldwide to numerous news outlets. Even Joan Rivers showed up for the TV Guide Channel, noting that the funeral was “the biggest red carpet event in history.”

(PAPAL RUMORS) Rumors are swirling that the Vatican will pick an African cardinal to be the next Pope. Great, that happens, and six months later we’ll have the movie from Chris Rock. “Black Pope” :he’s bringing soul to the Vatican.

(BRAIN RESEARCH) Brain researchers have reported that they’ve learned how to make fruitflies jump to the right and the left and even fly via remote controls, even when their brains are missing. What they have yet to prove is why anyone would want to vote Republican.

(BRITNEY SPEARS’ BABY) In even freakier science new, Britney Spears has announced she’s pregnant. Scientists believe that her child will also be able to jump up and down, side to side, in sexually suggestive positions, also without exhibiting any trace of a brain.

(MISSISSIPPI DRUG LAWS) In Mississippi, health officials have called for a “pre-emptive strike” to stop children from getting hooked on methamphetamines. President Bush responded by launching nukes at the beleaguered state, stating “they told me to.”

(EXECUTING THE RETARDED) The U.S. Supreme Court this week that it’s uncool for states to kill retards. Reached for comment, the head of the Association for Retarded Citizens said, “I never thought this day would come ‘til we had one of our own in the White House.”

(NEW WHEELCHAIR): Scientists this week announced a new motorized wheelchair that can run across sand, rocks and up and down staircases. In Hollywood, excited Warner Brothers studio executives said that they are prepared to start production on “Superman 5” the moment scientists can make the wheelchair fly.

(NEW TYPE OF BEER): Now women can throw back a brew made specifically with them in mind. Majestic Brewing of Louisville, Colorado, says it has crafted a new cream ale called Anu Ale designed for women. The marketing slogan for the beer is “Ladies, we’ll bring the barley and hops. You bring the yeast.” Another suggested slogan: “Anu Ale. I’ll take mine in a B cup.”

(PHOTO CAPTION OF MAN WITH ARM TRANSPLANT, SMILING): Matthew Scott, the first United States citizen to receive an arm transplant, announced that his body is not rejecting the new arm and that after a year with it, he can turn a doorknob and sense cold, heat and pain. And he hopes that soon he’ll be able to use his arm for the most important young male activity of all.

(JESSE JACKSON AIDS TEST): In another health note, Jesse Jackson is going to get an AIDS test as part of the fight to increase AIDS awareness among African-American men. In keeping with his rhyming style, the campaign will be called, “How to Live With the HIV.”