FOUR BLOGS IN ONE - FUNNY NEWS RANTS

These are from July '06, but don't let that stop ya...
Dozens of funny and funnier blogs/essays below this post...

Uncle Sam Wants Eskimos and Clowns!!!

Word is, were a little shorthanded over in Iraq right now. Weve got a few thousand fellas hanging out on bases in Afghanistan trying to clamp down on the resurrection of the Taliban, a couple hundred thousand more in Iraq, and God only knows how many more well have to call up if we cant get Israel, Hamas, Hezbollah and North Korea to make nice.

So whats a country to do? Well, if youre George W. Bush, you look at the only logical place to find reinforcements. Want more oil? Drill in Alaska. Want more soldiers? Well, drill them from there too. What am I talking about, you ask? Arent we getting enough new troops just by lowering our standards and allowing mental defectives and ex-felons in to be our bravest and finest?

No, my fellow Americans, word is that were sending Eskimos over to Iraq now. Yes, we finally decided to tell them the Soviet Union no longer exists and they can stop guarding the Bering Strait from a Communist invasion. They can go for a little sun and catch some R&R in a warmer climate. Like 215 degrees warmer than the -90 degree temperatures theyre used to.

Now I dont know what good its gonna do to have troop members who will literally be melting upon contact with the ground there. Maybe theyll bring peace by rubbing noses with the enemy rather than following our usual policy of rubbing the enemies noses in our display of superior firepower.

But seriously, folks, whats next? Are we going to propose sending CLOWNS now too? Clowns are very efficient they can fit 20 to a car and ride specially rigged Volkswagen Bugs over the horizon into battle rather than our far too obvious monster tanks. And wouldnt it be great to win over our enemies with laughter rather than bombs? Who knows, we might even scare them MORE because were sending clowns. You never know whos gonna be terrified of one. Lets just hope that culturally, theyre scared s***less by Bozo. I know I was.

Happy 4th of July from North Korea!!!
Well, hope everyone had a hip-hip-happy Fourth of July. Kick back, have some brews, then launch explosives from your backyard or your boat its an American tradition. Only this time, North Korea decided to join in on the fun, by sending seven count em, SEVEN! missiles our way!

Now, we in America pride ourselves on being world leaders and setting trends for the rest of the planet. So isnt it time we find another way to celebrate our nations birthday? Is it really a good idea to keep blowing s*** up to show were happy? Were 230 years old, for Gods sake! When are we going to grow up?!

I say next year we skip the fireworks, we get a big cake, and we film ourselves all holding hands in a circle while blowing it out together on the count of three. Thats nice, and peacefulbut waitIt involves a countdown. And we dont want anyone getting the wrong idea again.

So I say, go ahead throw your parties, blow a finger or two clean off, and just hope that North Korea, or Iran, or Syria, Hamas or Hizbollah, Afghanistan, China, Venezuela, Cuba and maybe even Russia know that theyre not invited to come over and especially not send us any quote-unquote presents. Jesus, thats 10 countries we have to leave off the guest list already, and weve got 11 more months to go until our next birthday. Give Bush time, Im sure he can make at least 20 countries hate us. And soon itll be more popular to get left out of the party than to be invited.


Burning Flags and Flaming Fags (well, how Republicans think)
My fellow Americans, today is a sad day for the history of our democracy. . Weve fallen one vote short of passing an anti-flag burning amendment in the Senate, which would have protected our flag from the Supreme Court saying that burning the flag constitutes a form of free speech.

I think that Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas said it best: Who gets the final word five Justices on the Supreme Court or we the people?

Hmmm. Funny, he didnt seem to ask that question back in 2000.

Now I dont know if Ive ever even SEEN anyone burning the flag, but I do know that the President and the Republicans are pissing on it on a daily basis.

But Im aware that our congress doesnt see it that way. No, they live in a world of fear, not just of Osama bin Laden, but of the constant specter of gay marriage. This 4th of July, theyll be locking their doors against flaming fags and burning flags!

Al-Zarqawi: A Modern-Day Wile E. Coyote
Well, we nailed al-Zarqawi. But they say he survived for 52 minutes after two 500-pound bombs landed on him. I havent seen that kind of resilience since the glory days of Wile E. Coyote.

But nonetheless, he wasnt the top man in charge of Al-Qaeda. That would be Osama bin Laden, or so were told. And hes looking pretty damn healthy lately. I mean, he releases videotapes more often than rappers drop underground mix tapes. And is anyone even scared of this guy anymore? Hes always seen walking through the mountains in those white robes while carrying a giant stick. Hes either auditioning for a role in The Sound of Music or hes Gandalf.

Hes supposed to be the worlds best-funded terrorist. So isnt it time he upgrades to DVDs? And its been five years since he did anything to us. Osama bin Laden? More like Osama Been Lazy.

But he has announced that he wants a truce. Yeah. Hes been in that cave so long, hes offered to knock it off if we just hook him up with the Playboy Channel.