THE WEEKLY KOZ (All the news that you might have missed, for damn good reason)

Today - Sunday, Jan. 4, 2009 - is the first Sunday of the new year, and as such I'm launching my new feature "The Weekly Koz," in which I post a few of the most bizarre and outrageous stories of the week, some with commentary from me. Just hoping to spread a few laughs amid all the bad news out there - what else should you expect from "America's Funniest Reporter," right? From time to time, i'll be updating daily or midweek, so keep coming back!!!

AND NOW, ALL THE NEWS THAT DOESN"T MATTER....

(A MOMENT OF GREAT PRIDE IN MY ANCESTRAL HOMELAND. IT DOES MAKE ONE WONDER, THOUGH, WHY GAYS ARE SO EAGER TO GET MARRIED, IF IT PRODUCES JOYFUL MOMENTS LIKE THIS...BUT HEY I SAY, FINE, SHARE THE MAGIC!)
"What are you doing here?": man asks wife at brothel
Wed Jan 9, 2008 10:23am EST

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees.
Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.
"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.
The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.

(THE FOLLOWING IS REALLY NO BIG DEAL. MY FAMILY ONCE HAD A FLYING CARLOAD OF DRUNK TEENS PLOW INTO OUR HOUSE AT 2 AM THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS, 1991!)
Police: Car damaged by flying Christmas tree
By Elizabeth Dinan
January 02, 2009 1:48 PM
NORTH HAMPTON — A perfect storm of high winds against a disposed Christmas tree, launched the tree into the front grill of a passing Ford, say police.
On Dec. 30, police were called to the area of 122 Post Road at 12:48 p.m., for a report of a "single car accident involving a Christmas tree," according to the town's public police log.
When officers arrived, the driver of a 1998 Escort said he was motoring along the road when a Christmas tree that was left on a curb for recycling, became airborne and "blew into the grill of the car," said the police department's administrative assistant, Jessica Miehle.
"The Christmas tree flew out and attacked him," joked Miehle, who did not know the extent of damage to the Ford.

(GOOD LORD, CHARLES! REMEMBER, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! BUT AS FAR AS HIS MAKING STUPID, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AND INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS, HE DOES SEEM READY TO CARRY ON SEN. JOE BIDEN'S LEGACY IN THE SENATE.)
Charles Barkley DUI Update: Quest for Oral Sex Allegedly the Cause
Most of the time when people get a DUI, the drunkenness and police blotter is the full extent of the spectacle. Leave it to Charles Barkley, though, to really make media waves after reportedly getting busted on suspicion of DUI.In a story that was custom built for some old-school sports blogging, Barkley reportedly told police that he was driving drunk because he was seeking to score some fellatio from a young lady.

According to the officer who wrote the report, "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat." The officer continues: "He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job. He then explained that she had given him a 'b**w job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."
But wait! There's more! According to the report, Barkley not only was looking for oral sex, but he also had a handgun, which has somehow become the least discussed portion of this story.And, in simply amazing Tommy Boy fashion, Barkley allegedly extended the offer to "tattoo my name on your ass" towards a civilian police employee at the police station if he could sneak out of the DUI, which he quickly (I suppose) corrected. In other words, yes, this should do wonders for his 2014 gubernatorial run.


(AH, CAN YOU IMAGINE THE JOY OF HAVING THIS FAMILY RUNNING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE? I admit i was briefly brainwashed by Sarah's beauty and spunk, until she used the same "surprise" lines in countless speeches and couldn't admit what magazines she reads. Now I'm just glad we're not going to have a shotgun wedding with these two at the White House.)
Palin's Daughter Gives Birth to Son

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Dec. 30) - The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has given birth to a son, a magazine reported Monday.

Bristol Palin, daughter of former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, is now a mom. The 18-year-old gave birth Saturday to a baby boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, People magazine reported Monday. The baby's father is Levi Johnston, shown with Bristol on Sept. 3 at the Republican National Convention.
Bristol Palin, 18, gave birth to Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston on Saturday, People magazine reported online. He weighed 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol's grandmother, told the magazine that "the baby is fine and Bristol is doing well."
The governor's office said it would not release information because it considers the baby's birth a private, family matter. Palin family members, hospital employees and spokespeople for the governor's former running mate, John McCain, either would not confirm the birth or did not return messages from The Associated Press.
The father is Levi Johnston, a former hockey player at Alaska's Wasilla High School.
Palin announced on Sept. 1, the first day of the Republican National Convention, that her unwed daughter was pregnant. The campaign issued a statement saying Bristol "and the young man" would get married.
Levi Johnston's mother eventually disclosed that her 18-year-old son was the father. The following week, the young man attended the convention in St. Paul, Minn., when Palin accepted the vice presidential nomination.
The announcement that the unmarried Bristol Palin, 17 at the time, was pregnant immediately drew concerns that it could damage Palin's credibility as a religious conservative. But many observers noted the pregnancy served to humanize the Palins and showcase the candidate's rejection of abortion.
Sherry Johnston, Levi's mother, said in October that Bristol and her son were considering a summer wedding.
Levi Johnston told The Associated Press that month that he and Bristol loved each other and wanted to get married. Johnston, who dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician, said he was a little shocked to learn that Bristol was pregnant but quickly warmed to the idea of being a father.
He said the two had planned to get married even before Bristol became pregnant.
Johnston, an avid hunter, hinted at the time that they were expecting a boy. He said he was already looking forward to taking the boy hunting and fishing.
Johnston's mother was arrested on felony drug charges this month after state troopers served a search warrant at her Wasilla home. According to authorities, she sent text messages to two police informants in which she discusses making drug transactions involving OxyContin, a strong prescription painkiller.
Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, have five children ranging in age from Trig, 7 months, to Track, 19. In between are Willow, 14; Piper, 7; and Bristol.

(AND IN TYPICAL, HEY LOOK AT WHAT WE DID, WE"RE LIBERAL, FASHION...)
Charity homes built by Hollywood start to crumble
John Harlow in Los Angeles
RESIDENTS of a model housing estate bankrolled by Hollywood celebrities and hand-built by Jimmy Carter, the former US president, are complaining that it is falling apart.
Fairway Oaks was built on northern Florida wasteland by 10,000 volunteers, including Carter, in a record 17-day “blitz” organised by the charity Habitat for Humanity.
Eight years later it is better known for cockroaches, mildew and mysterious skin rashes.
A forthcoming legal battle over Fairway Oaks threatens the reputation of a charity envied for the calibre of its celebrity supporters, who range from Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt to Colin Firth, Christian Bale and Helena Bonham Carter.
The case could challenge the bedrock philosophy behind Habitat for Humanity, claiming that using volunteers, rather than professional builders, is causing as many problems as it solves.
April Charney, a lawyer representing many of the 85 homeowners in Fairway Oaks, said she had no problems taking on Habitat for Humanity, despite its status as a “darling of liberal social activists”. She said the charity should have told people that part of the estate had been built on a rubbish dump.
One man pulled up his floorboards to find rubbish 5ft deep under his kitchen. Other complaints include cracking walls and rotting door frames that let in rats and ants. Many residents have complained of mildew and mysterious skin rashes.
One resident said her children were suffering from skin complaints. “The intentions are good, but when the politicians and big-shot stars have left we’re stuck with the consequences. This house looks pretty but inside it either stinks or sweats,” she said.
Judy Hall, the charity’s local development director, said recently that it had been dealing with about 30 complaints. She added that skilled work was carried out by professionals.
Some residents dismiss their neighbours’ worries. Diennal Fields, 51, said people did not know how to look after their homes: “It’s simple stuff: if there is mildew, don’t get a lawyer, get a bottle of bleach.”