LIVIN' THE DREAM!!!

If you’ve learned anything about me from checking out my blog – and the sheer self-aggrandizement of having a website about myself called www.americasfunniestreporter.com – then you’ve probably realized that I’m trying to “make it” in L.A. not only as a reporter and a stand-up comic, but sometimes even as an actor.

I had an agent who didn’t do jack for me for 2 or 3 years here, and I’d given up all hope of acting in anything substantial. Then one day I walked into the office of legendary TV producer Stephen J. Cannell – the guy who created “The A-Team” and “Rockford Files” and just about every cool buddy-cop show ever – to conduct an interview with him. And I was wearing my porkpie hat, pinstripe jacket and red checkered vans (just like the cartoon of me on this site), and Stephen -who retired from TV a decade ago to write crime novels – said “If I was still doing TV shows, I’d audition you on the spot.” Because he loved my “look.”

He didn’t even know I was a performer, but when I told him, Stephen!(freakin’!) Cannell! gave me 20 minutes of advice on how to kickstart my career. He said If I followed his advice, I’d have an agent within a month. I did as he said, and voila! TWO WEEKS later I got called in by an agency that’s considered one of the best character actor boutique agencies in the business!

My meeting consisted largely of “cold reading” five different short scripts to show my natural talent and range – things I thankfully actually have. And I got signed, and have been going on 4 or 5 auditions ever since.
Which is great.

Except for the fact that “character actor” in my case means “fat guy.” With an occasional side combo of “slow and stupid.” But anytime I dare complain about being sent out for those kinds of roles, my numerous actor friends say, “Do you know how hard it is to get an agent in this town?”

And so it was that I got sent out last week on a film called “Savage Sistas,” which is described as follows:

(Seriously, you’ve got to read this. And then kill yourself immediately if you’re a screenwriter with any talent whatsoever, because crap like this is getting made while your – and MINE – Great American Screenplay isn’t!)

“With the ultra-violent brand of horror films such as THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and HOSTEL as a defining force in the genre today, it was only natural that director/writer Dan Smith would create a story with plenty of action, suspense and buckets of blood. SAVAGE SISTAS is a straight up 70s grind house horror film. This story combines the tight friendships of THELMA & LOUISE with the terror and dread of THE HILLS HAVE EYES. With one last chance to celebrate before getting married, VONETTA and her three closet girlfriends leave the inner city of LA and set out on the road to Las Vegas for a wild weekend to end all others. But as these girls drive across the desert, they are totally unaware that they are heading for a road trip to hell. The fun suddenly fades when the girls take the wrong exit off the main highway and find themselves on an unmarked road and out of gas, stranded in the middle of nowhere. When all hope seems lost, a mysterious highway patrolman discovers the marooned women. But this is far from the lucky break they were hoping for. Their encounter goes from bad to worse as a simple misunderstanding erupts in violence. But this is not the only nightmare they will encounter out in this desolate place. Soon they will confront a horror more deadly than any one of them can imagine. If they are to survive, these sisters must become stone cold killers. SAVAGE SISTAS will leave you grasping for breath. And wanting more!”

Now, let me start by saying that I DO believe that audiences will be wanting more when they’re done watching this movie. That’s a given! After all, they’ll be wanting two hours of their life back and a cold shower to boot. Just to clean the stench of what they’ve polluted their minds with.

But this is the kind of project you audition for far more than any respectable roles when you’re starting out. I was to play Babyface – (and I quote..) “An overweight, oafish man who is unsure of how to relate to women.”

Well, if this is typecasting, I’m very disappointed in my agent. A role like this will likely set me back 20 years if it’s noticed by any woman, anywhere. Even if it becomes my big break, there is not a scene I’d want anyone I cared about to see either.

In fact, I called a Catholic priest friend of mine about my moral and ethical dilemma here – should I audition for something I find morally repellant, or either blow or blow off the audition? I thought the man of the cloth would tell me steer clear of this morally questionable enterprise.

Instead, he said “Carl, you know how hard it is to get an agent in this town…”

My audition took place at a spot called Loudmouth Studios, in the heart of the suburban wasteland of Studio City. To get there, since I don’t have a car and rely on the transit system, required me to endure the entire length of the MTA Gold Line before taking the infinitely smellier and more decrepit Red Line, and then hopping my bike for a 15-minute ride through an assortment of side streets. Yes, this meant I’d be traveling about 80 minutes – EACH WAY – for my moment of glory as Babyface, the slow-witted, obese cannibalistic killer. It is at times like this that I thank God I have another, “real” job at a newspapers so I can someday choose to focus on my dignity without worrying about my wallet.

For now, however, I was already there and had taken the afternoon off of work to be there. I was trapped in Studio City, which certainly had no other fun activities to offer. So I rode in to Loudmouth and prepared to take my punishment. I and a thoroughly creepy guy with a squat but extremely muscular frame named Jasper were called in together and then given our directions by the casting directors – who were, amazingly, two women. I was amazed because, as the official plot description above might indicate, it was a very misogynistic film in which 2 of the 4 heroines are killed by the end (Don’t write me complaining about giving you spoilers – you should be THANKING me!!!)

Nontheless, Jasper and I were supposed to enact a scene – improvising our way through it, it turns out – in which I would first essay a role other than Babyface. I was supposed to play a driver whose car has broken down on the side of the road and Jasper – in character as “Badcop,” a member of our inbred cannibalistic family – was to threaten me until I agreed to get out of the car. The catch was he wasn’t allowed to lay a finger on me; it was to be a pure mind game, which is kind of strange, you’ll realize, when the actual script for Badcop and Babyface only allows us to grunt for dialogue.

I knew that when Jasper/Badcop counted to three, I would have to get out of the car because bad things always happen in movies on the count of three. So I pretended to step out, only to be ordered onto my knees and find myself called “Fatass.” For some reason, rather than scaring or upsetting me, it was actually funny – but I managed to suppress my laughter and go with the flow.

After the scene was cut off and Jasper offered a surprisingly humble “I’m sorry” for sneering at my weight, we got on to the real business at hand: terrorizing women through degradation. I was to hold a rope and pretend it was a dog leash – a dog leash with an imaginary woman wearing only her skimpy underwear as she crawled on all fours as I petted her and kept saying “Woof woof!” Jasper was to bust in next and try to force himself up behind her sexually as I reacted with confusion because Babyface doesn’t know anything about women.

Ultimately, our equally illiterate “Pa” was to bust in and break the woman free from Jasper before hanging her by handcuffs inside a bathroom as she awaited being cut into our dinner meat. And as he did this, I was to cower in fear from “Pa”, apparently providing whatever comic relief could be found in junk like this.

And so I yanked the rope around, barked at thin air in varying yet troublesome volumes, and got called “Fatass” again for free. I’m starting to think Jasper isn’t really sorry, but is starting to enjoy his role.

Judging by the quality of the script – if one can even apply the word “quality” in any way, shape, or form to it – I’d say he’ll be the only one who enjoys it.

But as the saying goes, you gotta start somewhere.